" I ain't here for a long time... "

Country music has always been a passion of mine, a passion I shared with Stacy, one I also share with Michael. The biggest thing I love most about country music is how it speaks to life like no other genre. Its like always finding the perfect Hallmark card that says how you feel- even when how you aren't sure before you pick it up, exactly how you feel.
I have a whole sound track of music that speaks to the love I share with Michael but that is for another post.

There are a bunch of songs that remind me of Stacy and this moment in time, but today I heard George Strait sing this on the radio and it was almost like she was standing here in the living room singing to me.
Listen here on youtube.
the King of Country singing about my girl <3

Brian Andreas- a well known poet has this poem on his site it's called Unheard Music
"Don't you hear it? she asked & I shook my head no & then she started to dance & suddenly there was music everywhere & it went on for a very long time & when I finally found words all I could say was thank you."

Dance on girl... Dance on- thank you for bringing such love and zest to my life.

When I get where I'm going I know I see you and your smiling face again.

When I get where I'm going- Brad Paisley

the loss of a friend and wisdom from my father...

I lost one of my best friends Saturday, her battle with cancer was a fight to the end. Tonight I'm trying to find the words to convey who and what she was to me and also how much she meant to Michael and I together. 

Stacy Hehn was a rock, an angel, a light that shone in the darkness on the days we couldn't see the way. God gifted us with his love and his light through her. Truly an angel walking among us. She put others first always, asking about how we were even while we were there to offer comfort to her. Her love for her family and her friends was so strong. Her passion for country music, and animals was evident everyday. Mine is just one of many stories about the lives she touched and the hearts she shaped. 

We met working at the Longhorn, a place that holds a long list of wonderful people who loved her, more than I can count. Her smile brought people in and her bubbly personality kept them coming back, sometimes waiting 2 deep at the bar or an extra half hour just to get a table in her section. In the years we worked together I learned how the ins and outs of restaurant life often paralleled the ins and outs of everyday life. some days we rocked it out other days we struggled through the weeds. Stacy's positive outlook and feisty spirit kept me going- pushing through a full time day job, a full week of shifts at the restaurant, and a full course load as I went to college at night. She was always there cheering me on, quizzing me for tests coming up, and checking in on projects due. All the while she battled issues with her kidney, dialysis first and a second transplant, keeping track of what she could and couldn't eat. Working with swollen legs, sore feet and a smile she kept on fighting. I'd never seen anyone fight so hard.  I was amazed and truly inspired...and sometimes worried.

Later when I turned my life upside down she was there listening and questioning but supporting me "as long as  you are following your heart, I'll be holding your hand" She was the first in my world to meet Michael. And she embraced him as if he had always been a part of what we had. Her support helped get us to where we are today. Support grew for us over time from other friends and family but it started with her. And from that we grew strong. She stood with me as my maid of honor on our wedding day last summer. A day I will never forget for so many reasons.

I also remember the day she called to tell me about the first bout with liver cancer. I was walking into the mall alone- what happened after that I don't really remember. I couldn't even tell you if I made it inside. I think I went back and sat in the car for a long time. She fought again and we celebrated when the cancer was gone. Throughout it all I prayed, although my faith was not as strong as it should or could have been I prayed. I tried  as best I knew how to be there for her as she had been for me.  

As my mom battled with her kidneys and began dialysis herself Stacy was again there for me. With her wealth of personal experience in the area she provided a powerful positive resource for me. 

Then I had to tell her we were moving. Not from Northborough to somewhere closer but halfway across the country to Texas. We cried and I promised we'd move back after a little while and she could come visit whenever she wanted. I don't know if she knew then she wouldn't get here, she always seemed to know long before the doctors did when things weren't well. At least that's how it felt. She didn't get to come here, and I wasn't there for her. My heart was... but it's always been with her. That in itself has been the greatest struggle for me. Because when she needed me I wasn't there in person. Which I know she understood but she always understood. 

My father unexpectedly began to have seizures and underwent brain surgery a short time ago. It was while sitting with him in recovery at the hospital that Stacy called. The cancer was back and she was tired. It had spread wildly and they would be aggressive in their treatment... Her pain was evident as she asked me to please ask my daddy to pray for her- she said "God seems to always be listening to him and I feel like he can't hear me anymore" After we hung up I sat talking with my dad, he said of course he'd pray. His faith has grown during my life and is stronger now than ever. He's taught me so much and been there for me through many trying times. It's not the first conversation we've had about faith but it was the most profound, the one that touched me the deepest. I'll carry this with me all the rest of my days. This is what I took away from our conversation:
God made us human with hearts and minds so big yet so small, capable of so much and so little at the very same time. He also gave us free will, the choice to do as we please, even if it does not please Him. Those things combined make it impossible for us to begin to grasp or understand his plan. The lives of millions intertwined every day, each decision creating a cause and effect chain so elaborate it is totally untraceable. There is no way to track fault or guilt or even good deeds back to the originator. What one person thinks is fair or right may be unjust or unfair to another, even when so many people pray for the same thing, 1 person praying the opposite and you have unbalance. Thus it is not for us to decide. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people are freed every day. Babies and children die after having done no wrong, and lives are spared after horrible deeds and we can only ask why but will never understand. Life happens, not on our time but on God's time and not by our plan but by His; a plan too great all we can do is trust and have faith.
Faith is giving in to the idea that you are not in control. It's about understanding that each and every day is bigger than you can see of feel or touch.
I take comfort now in not being in control, trusting that God needed Stacy and her beautiful light for other things. May you not rest in peace my friend but may you Soar among the sky, hold hands and have tea with your Gram and watch over us here, all of us missing you every day.
I love you- Love always and forever. <3 me