" I ain't here for a long time... "

Country music has always been a passion of mine, a passion I shared with Stacy, one I also share with Michael. The biggest thing I love most about country music is how it speaks to life like no other genre. Its like always finding the perfect Hallmark card that says how you feel- even when how you aren't sure before you pick it up, exactly how you feel.
I have a whole sound track of music that speaks to the love I share with Michael but that is for another post.

There are a bunch of songs that remind me of Stacy and this moment in time, but today I heard George Strait sing this on the radio and it was almost like she was standing here in the living room singing to me.
Listen here on youtube.
the King of Country singing about my girl <3

Brian Andreas- a well known poet has this poem on his site it's called Unheard Music
"Don't you hear it? she asked & I shook my head no & then she started to dance & suddenly there was music everywhere & it went on for a very long time & when I finally found words all I could say was thank you."

Dance on girl... Dance on- thank you for bringing such love and zest to my life.

When I get where I'm going I know I see you and your smiling face again.

When I get where I'm going- Brad Paisley

the loss of a friend and wisdom from my father...

I lost one of my best friends Saturday, her battle with cancer was a fight to the end. Tonight I'm trying to find the words to convey who and what she was to me and also how much she meant to Michael and I together. 

Stacy Hehn was a rock, an angel, a light that shone in the darkness on the days we couldn't see the way. God gifted us with his love and his light through her. Truly an angel walking among us. She put others first always, asking about how we were even while we were there to offer comfort to her. Her love for her family and her friends was so strong. Her passion for country music, and animals was evident everyday. Mine is just one of many stories about the lives she touched and the hearts she shaped. 

We met working at the Longhorn, a place that holds a long list of wonderful people who loved her, more than I can count. Her smile brought people in and her bubbly personality kept them coming back, sometimes waiting 2 deep at the bar or an extra half hour just to get a table in her section. In the years we worked together I learned how the ins and outs of restaurant life often paralleled the ins and outs of everyday life. some days we rocked it out other days we struggled through the weeds. Stacy's positive outlook and feisty spirit kept me going- pushing through a full time day job, a full week of shifts at the restaurant, and a full course load as I went to college at night. She was always there cheering me on, quizzing me for tests coming up, and checking in on projects due. All the while she battled issues with her kidney, dialysis first and a second transplant, keeping track of what she could and couldn't eat. Working with swollen legs, sore feet and a smile she kept on fighting. I'd never seen anyone fight so hard.  I was amazed and truly inspired...and sometimes worried.

Later when I turned my life upside down she was there listening and questioning but supporting me "as long as  you are following your heart, I'll be holding your hand" She was the first in my world to meet Michael. And she embraced him as if he had always been a part of what we had. Her support helped get us to where we are today. Support grew for us over time from other friends and family but it started with her. And from that we grew strong. She stood with me as my maid of honor on our wedding day last summer. A day I will never forget for so many reasons.

I also remember the day she called to tell me about the first bout with liver cancer. I was walking into the mall alone- what happened after that I don't really remember. I couldn't even tell you if I made it inside. I think I went back and sat in the car for a long time. She fought again and we celebrated when the cancer was gone. Throughout it all I prayed, although my faith was not as strong as it should or could have been I prayed. I tried  as best I knew how to be there for her as she had been for me.  

As my mom battled with her kidneys and began dialysis herself Stacy was again there for me. With her wealth of personal experience in the area she provided a powerful positive resource for me. 

Then I had to tell her we were moving. Not from Northborough to somewhere closer but halfway across the country to Texas. We cried and I promised we'd move back after a little while and she could come visit whenever she wanted. I don't know if she knew then she wouldn't get here, she always seemed to know long before the doctors did when things weren't well. At least that's how it felt. She didn't get to come here, and I wasn't there for her. My heart was... but it's always been with her. That in itself has been the greatest struggle for me. Because when she needed me I wasn't there in person. Which I know she understood but she always understood. 

My father unexpectedly began to have seizures and underwent brain surgery a short time ago. It was while sitting with him in recovery at the hospital that Stacy called. The cancer was back and she was tired. It had spread wildly and they would be aggressive in their treatment... Her pain was evident as she asked me to please ask my daddy to pray for her- she said "God seems to always be listening to him and I feel like he can't hear me anymore" After we hung up I sat talking with my dad, he said of course he'd pray. His faith has grown during my life and is stronger now than ever. He's taught me so much and been there for me through many trying times. It's not the first conversation we've had about faith but it was the most profound, the one that touched me the deepest. I'll carry this with me all the rest of my days. This is what I took away from our conversation:
God made us human with hearts and minds so big yet so small, capable of so much and so little at the very same time. He also gave us free will, the choice to do as we please, even if it does not please Him. Those things combined make it impossible for us to begin to grasp or understand his plan. The lives of millions intertwined every day, each decision creating a cause and effect chain so elaborate it is totally untraceable. There is no way to track fault or guilt or even good deeds back to the originator. What one person thinks is fair or right may be unjust or unfair to another, even when so many people pray for the same thing, 1 person praying the opposite and you have unbalance. Thus it is not for us to decide. Bad things happen to good people, and bad people are freed every day. Babies and children die after having done no wrong, and lives are spared after horrible deeds and we can only ask why but will never understand. Life happens, not on our time but on God's time and not by our plan but by His; a plan too great all we can do is trust and have faith.
Faith is giving in to the idea that you are not in control. It's about understanding that each and every day is bigger than you can see of feel or touch.
I take comfort now in not being in control, trusting that God needed Stacy and her beautiful light for other things. May you not rest in peace my friend but may you Soar among the sky, hold hands and have tea with your Gram and watch over us here, all of us missing you every day.
I love you- Love always and forever. <3 me

Already on schedule-

I'm amazed at the miracle happening inside my belly every day. This week has been a rough one for me although not due to the belly at all. Like clockwork- so in-tune with me- my Little foot has been bringing me back to a wonderful happy place at all the right moments. The kicks rolls inside my belly seem to be right on schedule with when Mama needs a little pick-me-up. I think Little foot was as excited for Friday as I was this morning- although basking in the glow of our little miracle made me a bit late getting in the shower-I don't care. I'm loving my pregnancy at this stage- even if I felt a little more like a crazy prego this week then usual. 

Thank you Little Foot for reminding your Mama what's really important. :-) I love you so much already. 

Little Foot my love

Little Foot,
Last night your daddy and I were laying on the couch together watching tv, I could feel you kicking up a storm in my belly so I put your daddy's hand over you so he could feel it too. A big proud smile and a chuckle later he looked at me and said "little kicks from our Little Foot" and thus your nickname was born. Someday you'll know just how much your momma and daddy love the Land Before Time movies and how fitting it seems that we will call you Little Foot till you arrive (and maybe even after). Hopefully you will love them just as much. (that is if we can find them on DVD ;-)
We love you Little Foot more than you could ever know.

Love,
Momma & Daddy

Things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman....

So we are in our 23rd week this week- 2 weeks away from viability and about 5 weeks away from being able to deliver at our hospital. In the last few weeks as my belly has grown (which I must say I am very excited about) I've come to notice that people cant help but comment on it and pregnancy in general. It is amazing the things that people say to pregnant women that you wouldn't dream of saying to a woman who isn't pregnant.


FOR THE RECORD: Sense of humor required....
Comments from family are significantly different from strangers and I have not been offended by anyone I love (a few strangers yes)- However we'd love for our family and friends to remember this is OUR baby- Michael and I made this child together and we do very much value the opinions of our family as many of you have been here before- but if you make a suggestion and we don't like it or it isn't part of our plan that's OK but PLEASE don't be offended if we aren't using your suggestion. What worked for you may or may not work for us but we ARE open to suggestions. 

So as a PSA here is a list of things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman ANY pregnant woman... 
#1- "My labor was 25 hours and I was in so much pain!!!" or any similar version of the like... UNLESS a pregnant woman ASKS you to share your labor story with her please don't assume that we want to be horrified by how long, hard or painful it was. You may feel that you are preparing us for what could happen but every woman, pregnancy and labor is different there is no connection to how yours went and how mine might go. The baby must come out and when it does it might not be pleasant or painless there is no alternative! :-)


#2-  How far along are you? (me, 6 months)..That's it?  Are you sure you're not having twins?You are huge!!!! You look like you might pop tomorrow!!!"
No woman pregnant or not wants you to comment on how big YOU think she looks. Not only is it Rude and you wouldn't make weight comments to random strangers who aren't pregnant, but pregnant woman worry more than non-pregnant woman and you might just send them running to the doctor to make sure they aren't gaining to much or are at risk for early delivery or GASP!!! have a twin hiding in there somewhere. You may think that's over reacting- but pregnancy makes hormones do crazy things to your brain. We cant help it. 


#3 - "Oh My God- it sucks that you have to suffer through the summer heat!!!" 
Do not tell them how difficult it is to be pregnant in the heat of the summer. So far Summer in Texas is wonderful-the heat is actually making my pregnancy EASIER- because guess what I get to swim every day if I want to and besides- If you are hot in the middle of the summer it's your own damn fault :-)  air conditioning exists and so do fans! Hormonal women need not be reminded.  


#4 - "You are breastfeeding aren't you?!" 
Do not ask questions about choices for my body and baby like you are automatically condemning me if I say something contrary. It does not in any way determine your WORTH as a mother if for some reason breast feeding doesn't work for you. "breast is best" comments can make some pregnant women break down and cry- you have no idea if she might have an illness that makes it impossible for her to breastfeed. And if she is choosing not to breastfeed at all its not really any of your business unless she wants it to be.
HOWEVER: "Have you decided if you are going to breastfeed or not?" is an acceptable question as long as it's not followed by a lecture on how "HARD" it is to breast feed or how sore or tired I'm going to be- or even that you think I should formula feed. 


#4- "Just you wait...." this is typically followed by "till you don't get to sleep" or "till your up all night miserable with a crying baby" "or till your toddler is running and getting in to trouble" Guess what people...Pregnancy itself is no picnic sometimes and you don't sleep much now either so...no big surprise there. OH and It's no big secret that babies cry and don't sleep through the night- we do not need to be reminded and certainly not in the tone of voice that suggests that You resent your own children because they cried or didn't sleep. If parents have been making it through sleepless nights for eons we can too! 


#5 "Are you sure you want to eat that?"- Yes damnit I do- so back up and shut up. If I wanted something else I wouldn't be eating this, and if I cared if it was going to give me heartburn I also wouldn't eat it. Sometimes you eat what you want and if it doesn't agree with you- so be it. . .We don't need any comments about too much this or too much that. I'm going to eat hot dogs because the baby WANTS them regardless of your opinion on what's in them or how bad you KNOW they are for me. (for the record my doctor said they are just fine in moderation LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE) :-) 


I have had all of these things said to me in the last few weeks by strangers or people I don't know well at all. 

Dear Baby,

Dear Baby,

Today is a very special day for your momma and daddy. A year ago today we got married. I married one of the most wonderful men in the world- your daddy. Although you will meet him soon enough I wanted to tell you a little about him, through my eyes. Someday you might cringe and say "aww mom but that's mushy love stuff", and it is but more than that its the truth. <3

Your daddy is a smart, funny, strong, respectful, loving and hard working man. He is so excited to meet you and help you grow. He loves reading about you as you grow each week, speculating on what you might be thinking or doing as you roll around in momma's belly. We talk all the time about how we want to experience and tackle different things that might come up as you grow (things we know we did or tried to do).  Your daddy takes good care of us, he has a strong faith in God and works hard everyday to keep us safe and warm. He also makes amazing french toast on Saturday mornings. :-) He drives a little too fast but we're working on that too... 

We cant wait to meet you but for now we'll keep looking at the pictures and smiling as your wiggles push against my belly. We've got a lot of nesting to do before you get here including a move to a bigger apartment. <3

We love you,
Love your Momma & Daddy

So it's been a month since my last post....

Sorry for being such a bad blogger lately. There has been so much going on with us that I've been turning into a pumpkin every night at 9pm!
So what updates to start with

• Michael got a new job thats going well- He's working at Arrow Electric and liking it so far. He has his own van that he takes to and from work and uniforms too (which he obviously looks handsome in! <3)
• I took a new position at my company and am working on some large projects that are giving me new experience and responsibility- really enjoying it so far
• We reached our halfway mark in the pregnancy this past weekend and are now just over 20 weeks. My belly is hard to the touch and is now protruding significantly :-) I feel like there is not nearly enough room in my abdomen for all my organs, food and baby. 

I bought this onesie at OldNavy. Not only does this express how I feel right now but I knew it would be the best way to describe a baby that came from me & Michael <3

Here is a Belly picture from Today May 31st. :-) The doctor says I'm right on track as far as weight and size :-) and we have another ultrasound on Monday the 6th. (and no we are still not finding out the gender!!!!)
• My Cousin Amanda came to visit this week, she is headed home tomorrow morning :-( We had a blast while she was here. Her and I got Pedicures and shopped, we went to the Rangers Game Friday night, and had great seats LOL last row all the way at the top. 

• Saturday the 3 of us went to the City Arts Festival in downtown Dallas, sampling yummy treats and checking out some awesome artisans. Sunday we drove 3 hours to Austin only to find it was 99 degrees downtown, but enjoyed the sites anyway. 

The view of Austin downtown from the roof deck at Maggie Mae's

Great picture Manda took of Michael and I on the shore of Lady Bird Lake. 

We went to dinner at the Iron Catus in downtown Austin. The food was amazing, the service...not so much. 

Michael and I at Dinner <3

Me lounging on the couch at the Hotel bar while Manda and Michael had beers. 

On the way home we stopped at the legendary Collin Street Bakery where my Preggo self bought $18.00 worth of cookies... I said to the man behind the counter. "Can I have 3 of every kind of cookie you have?" 

YUMMY!!!!!!

That's all for now!!!! 

Love,

Laura, Michael & Baby G